Determined

By Naomi Arndt

The COVID19 virus has affected the world in ways that none of us saw coming.

I am the eldest of three and have a younger sister and brother. My father loved us but became overwhelmed with the problems brought on by depression, (Head, 2010, 12) racism, alcoholism, and trying to provide for a family. Because I took on certain parental responsibilities for my brother and sister beginning at age seven (at age eleven, when my sister was only four and sick with a fever, I stayed up all night with her to administer her medication while my mom worked the night shift), I was court-appointed when I was only 20 years old to serve as my siblings’ temporary guardian. I feel like they are more my children than my siblings. They have often expressed similar sentiments (Li, S. et al., 2021, 3350) with my brother to this day calling me his sister/mother.

My sister was an upbeat, kind, and gentle soul who cared about the world. She was always the first one to send a card when someone was sick or had lost a loved one. She telephoned those who felt that no one else cared about them.

My younger sister had a variety of health problems not related to the COVID19 virus, the most prominent being a problematic heart. Her primary care physician eventually referred her to a heart specialist, but she continued to deteriorate. When the COVID19 virus became classified as a pandemic in the US, I didn't know at first how I could continue to help my sister. But I soon adapted and never stopped calling, communicating using a variety of methods from emailing to texting, and providing practical assistance whenever I could afford to do so. On January 18, 2022, she did not pick up the phone when I called. (She hadn't responded to a scheduled call the day before either.) I called the police dispatch department. At 5:18 pm a detective called to notify me that my sister had died in her sleep. (Her heart specialist later performed her autopsy and found that she had died of a heart attack.)

My sister taught me the importance of caring for others. I try daily to keep in better contact with others, make extra efforts to spend time with those who need it, and go the extra mile when asked to help others. Her loss has created a void in my life. But, as if she instinctively knew this, she figured out a way to help me cope while she was still alive.

Before she died, my sister asked me: “Did you get your PhD?” Her question kept replaying in my mind over and over again. So, I decided to first reapply to graduate school (I was admitted to Empire State College as an MBA Fellow in 2000 but was forced to stop due to chronic illness) and completed my application in February. I received my letter of acceptance by email on March 2, 2022. I am twelve courses away from graduation. As of this writing, I have completed three out of four summer courses (the final one to end August 26, 2022), am web-registered for four fall courses and plan to take the four final courses to complete the requirements for my MBA next year. I simultaneously plan to apply to doctoral programs this Fall with a goal if accepted to enter a doctoral program in the Fall of 2023 to earn a doctorate in my sister’s memory.

From this experience I've learned that we must not only look out for ourselves but get creative and find ways of helping others cope.

References

Head, J. (2004). Black Men and Depression: Saving Our Lives, Healing our Families and Friends. Harlem Moon, ISBN: 978-0-767-91354-6, Broadway Books, 503 pages.

Li S., Ran G., Chen X. (2021). Linking attachment to empathy in childhood and adolescence: A multilevel meta-analysis. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 38(11):3350-3377. doi:10.1177/02654075211031006